Week 6 – Showing not telling

Syntax – 

the arrangement of words and phrases to create well formed sentences in the English language.

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Showing and not telling –

The phone began to shrill it’s daily alert as she made her way downstairs. “Sally speaking, who is this?”, she demanded angrily. The man on the end of the phone was the man who’d called her for the past seven days. “I hate you cold callers, you never learn!”, she shouted as she slammed the phone back down on the receiver.

This exercise involved turning a ‘telling’ narration into a ‘showing’ narration using dramatization, spoken dialogues and other techniques.

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Specificity-

Descriptive writing or the art of painting a picture in your readers mind.

• “A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink”, is a basic sentence.
• “A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. He was and old and tired, and he wanted to escape his loneliness by getting very drunk”, is better but still quite generic.
• “A grizzled prospector stumbled into the darkness of the saloon and demanded a bottle of whisky”, is far better is it shows us the character and setting but does not tell us much. We can make out through the words “prospector” and “saloon” that this is set in the wild west.

“The darkly clad youth slunk into the bar, his face masked by the shade of a dark baseball cap. He took the seat at the end of the bar and stared intently at the rows of liqueur with glazed eyes that told a thousand stories.”

“The huge mass of muscle burst through the doors of the bar with the force of a tsunami. Eyes burning with magma like fury he sat down at the bar and demanded a shot of vodka to calm himself.”

“The diminutive figure of a small man heaved his way into the pub and clambered upon the nearest stool. Waiting for everyone else to order, he quietly asked for a glass of lemonade and sat looking at the floor.”

This exercise involved starting with the sentence “a man walked into the bar”,  and enhancing it using specificity. There is also showing and not telling through the use of words and actions to tell the story of the character.

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Strong Verbs-

(getting rid of adverbs)

She walked slowly across the room

• Glided
• Inched
• Crept
• Shuffled
• Lumbered

“She sat in the middle of the room amid the roar of a deafening silence. Arms griped like a vice around her knees that were up to her chest, and staring out of the window with a glazed expression and deathly pale face. She slowly rocked from side to side in moonlight amid the horrors of the nightmare she lived.”

“Her whole body shivered, as she sat uncomfortably on the back seat of the bus. She was sure her fingers and toes would be be black and blue when she removed her gloves and socks.”

“His eyes darted from side to side as he peered through the tiny gap in his bedroom curtains. He was still there. On seeing this, his pulse accelerated and his legs turned to lead. What did he want?”

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World War 1 writing exercise-

A shell exploded nearby when the shattered remains of C-Company emerged from their dugout, which had begun to cave in under the sustained shock waves of artillery shells. The “steel rain” as the men called it, had began to fall like a monsoon and was peppering the front line trenches with sustained fury. This however was just a warm up for the main offensive as once the storm had subsided, the hordes of grey coated figures would spill out from their lair like angry ants and sweep towards them.

Silence. The guns had gone quiet and the signal was raised for machine gunners to get into position as the first brave German poked his head out from the opposite trench, with others quickly following suite. The men of C-Company lined up on the fire-step and locked eyes with the men who had killed many of their friends. The hatred they felt channeled into the way they fought, with no mercy and devilish relentlessness. As the enemy got to the first coils of wire, the machine guns and rifles opened up. A symphony of heavy firepower played up and down the line. Screams of the wounded were all but drowned out. The whole display was that of sinister magnificence as men fought and died for their countries, showing not an ounce of fear as bullets whizzed passed and flamethrowers spewed tongues of burning fuel onto hapless victims. This was the nature of the new era of combat, and the remains of C-company were already veterans.

As the last of the helpless Germans began to retreat, the dreaded shrill of the officers whistle sounded. It’s death call spread up and down the line, signaling for  C-company and the other British soldiers to give chase. Almost certain death awaited. The men knew that the battered and bruised German soldiers would be awaiting them, machine guns and rifles at the ready. Any man who did not go ‘over the top’ would be shot by his own commanding officer, so the men said their prayers, took a quick drink and clambered up into the hell hole which was no-mans land. The freshly deceased bodies of hundreds of dead enemy soldiers lay all over the battlefield. Many were piled up against the wire, like leaves blown against a fence by the wind. Some were not dead. They pleaded for help as the men advanced forward, but most were met with a swift bayonet to the heart or single shot to the head. No mercy. It was kill or be killed out here. C-company hadn’t even reached the middle of no-mans land before the first machine gun nest opened fire. The flashes, a haunting memory to those who survived them. Men were torn apart in seconds, they didn’t stand a chance. This was war, and war did not change…

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Extended Metaphors-

Extended metaphors

Religion:

• Worship
• Prayer
• God
• Vicar
• Pope
• Allah
• Buddha
• Holy book
• Call to prayer
• Jihad

Education:

• Education
• School
• Headmaster
• Teacher
• Lessons
• School bell
• Knowledge
• Homework

“The morning call to prayer sounds. Students file into their respective classrooms, greeting the vicar as they pass. Holy books at the ready, the vicar begins his sermon. The teachings used for hundreds of years adapted for today’s worshipers. Over the loudspeaker, the pope announces his words of wisdom and summons those who have sinned. Punishment is swift for those students who sin; heaven or hell is decided only by the gods.

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Cricket:

• Hit for four / six
• Runs
• Bowling
• Umpire
• Caught out
• Stumped
• Score a century
• Golden duck
• agonizing defeat
• Training
• Declare
• Team

 

Life:

• Good times
• Bad times
• Achievements
• Learning
• Death
• Family

 

“When we’re born the match begins. We train at school to prepare for the game ahead, which in the end presents either victory or defeat. Early on we all want to avoid that golden duck when we go in for our turn to bat; it’s a major setback in our progress and can push us back even further mentally. Avoiding it sets us up for a strong game. But throughout life we’ve to dodge other challenges whilst aiming for victory. Going for a big swing in life and getting caught is demoralizing as we aim high but miss the target. It’s far better to hit many fours than one big six. Many small achievements mean more than a large one. At the end of the day we all want our century. That big one hundred on the board to show how much you’ve achieved. Whether your century is a dream job, fame or fortune, just remember its easier to take the fours on the road to one hundred.”